I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
cat food counts as protein by the way
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
