The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You pole danced in your parka.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
