I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
