i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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