he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
