dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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