My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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