3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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