Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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