Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
