Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
dude i'm inner monologue high
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
