last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
