i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
