There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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