I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
