We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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