His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
