Apparently you make a good broom.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
