I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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