Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
