Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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