It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
