I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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