She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
