There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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