I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
