WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
