thus making me awesome and them whores
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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