Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
