I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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