i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
