i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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