i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
