There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
