Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
