i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
