so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
