my vag is so smooth its legendary
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
