Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
