have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
