im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
im holly from the hills drunk
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
