just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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