I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
