All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
