i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
