Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
