my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
