"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
