Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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