It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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I need a burrito and a hug.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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