You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
