is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
