woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
