The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
