eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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