her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
