he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
